So, appetite and muscle, huh? Uh . . . well . . . awkward. The nonsensicality of the above statement is so fundamental, so axiomatically present that one cannot deny the words any more than one could deny a bludgeon to the face or the birth of a flawed and hideous spawn. Deep within the Dome of the Droid labor scientists who trifle each day with the laws of the universe, basic principles of physics and biology. Each day, it seems, a new horror is carted out from the depths: an uncorrectable equation, a smear on the babycheeks of God.
I could have read the above advert and simply mouthed "what?" to myself--or erect the mucusy shields on which the teeth of creeps and goons are turned each day in this sinister city of Chicago. Perhaps I should have. But it is too late. I am too deep in it. I cannot rest until I figure out what the FUCK appetite has to do with muscle, and how a phone could have an "appetite" in even the vaguest metaphorical sense.
OK, I give up. Well, muscle makes enough sense. I would have rested easy (i.e. with the usual cynicism) if the ad had simply read, "Droid Is Muscle." But Verizon bought all that ad space and, hey, words are meaningless, so let's just throw a bunch of them on there. OK, so what do people like? Things that DO a lot of things. Indeed. Things that intersect in one bitch-punchin' contraption ("Sony Walkman: the intersection of goblins and inappropriate yodeling"). So what can droid DO besides muscle? It can serf the web. Hmm, "the intersection of Google and muscle." Nah, doesn't make any sense . . . (Hey Gary, I'm going to Chipotle, do you want a burrito bowl or something?) . . . Wait: are you suggesting that Droid is able to DO APPETITE???!!!??! . . . (No, I'm just going to pick up some lunch). . . Brilliant! Nothing says "I'm hungry" like the new smartphone from Verizon!
And the rest, as they say, doesn't matter. We will duel again, dear Droid. Mark my words: for I have marked thine.
E
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